I stole that from a Ray LaMontange song title because it seems appropriate and I have been listening to him. I say trouble because that is how things feel lately. I cannot seem to kick this treatment and find myself still nauseous, still achy, still head hurting, and without taste buds or fingertips. I am saying trouble, because now I am feeling like trouble. Trouble to those who have to constantly ask if I am feeling better, do i need anything, am I ok. And I can't tell them anything positive yet. It is starting to get me upset. And that has not been a hard thing to do, if you all remember. Crying is quite an easy accomplishment with this cocktail they have me on, but this week, whew...even worse.
Wednesday I saw my family and that was one of the best days I have had in a while. I got hugs and had missed them so much it hurt. I cried when I left because I was so angry that I felt too ill to stay and visit. My grandfather said we looked like twins, and it made me smile so big (even though he has me beat) but when I had to leave him, I just cried. Most of them had not seen me since my new "hair-do" so it had been a while. I just wanted to stay and be around them, to feel better with my family, but damn the sick, just won't let me. It won't let me anything right now. I wouldn't let me enjoy the rest of Sam's surprise party. IT wouldn't let me have George and his friend in town for a visit, I won't let me eat the yummy egg and cheese sandwich I smell Larry cooking right now. It is just nothing but trouble. Big mean stinky trouble, and I have had enough. The worst part is, I can't make it different. I thought if I tried getting out and about, doing something fun, surely it would slowly dissipate and leave me be. Nope. Just gets me when I am stuck and have no car, or are 20 miles from home. Maybe if I go for a little walk, it will make these muscles not ache so much. Nope, just leaves me down the street with more aches and farther to get back home. Now my 29th birthday is just days away and there is nothing I desire less to happen than that. I usually LOVE birthdays. Normally - I would already be celebrating mine cause its my "birthday month". But I don't want it to come, don't want to be sick on my birthday. I know this isn't the blog you all are used to, but today I have just had enough. And needed to get it out. Thanks for listening and don't worry, none of you are trouble.
Love.
~m
2 comments:
You know, it's okay to feel mad and upset, right? And, you have every right to feel the way you do. Your resistance is low, and you've tried SO hard to stay up. You've done a GREAT job at that. But, you need to cut yourself some slack and let yourself feel the way you do. You will move forward when you are able. For now, let yourself feel; whatever it is. And, my guess is when you let yourself really do that, then it will go away.
And, if this trouble ruins your bithday, then we'll "re-celebrate" when trouble is gone. Because my Mary, it WILL go away.
God bless your grandpa.
xxx
You have been so up and we have all been proud of you. So with that said, you deserve to feel mad and upset sometimes!!! You got several more days til your birthday, you'll be up for it!!
Love ya!!
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