Shame, shame.

On me, that is. It is almost May and I have not made a post since February!!! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I have no excuse. Well actually I think I have a few good ones. I have been working my tail off at work and at school. I may have informed you that I returned in full force to school and am taking 15 hours. That is quite a load. I actually should be doing some school work right now but I am doing everything I can think of instead. So here's whats been happening:

My visits with the Neurologist failed to give me anything other than more bills. He was unable to determine anything about the tingling that gave us any definitive answers and only suggested more tests (like a nuclear bone scan! what?!? I have had enough scans and I am full enough of nuclear chemicals and radiation, thank you very much!) so I decided to return to Dr C and see what he had to say about that. In the meantime, I developed a nasty case of the shingles. Dr C seems to think that the tingling could be from a myriad of things like the chemo, radiation or the Nulasta shots. It could even be form the shingles!! So after 4 MRI's, it could be I just was in prodromal phase of shingledom! How nice, I thought. Well, that's ok, at least it wasn't anything serious! As for those shingles? Well, I am going on 9 weeks of the little ba*@!%$ds and I have had quite enough. I would not wish those on my worst enemy.

Ok, enough complaining about that. In other news health wise, all is dandy and hunkydorey. I had begun running again and yoga pretty steadily until the Neuro guy suggested I stop until we figure out what was going on, but when he couldn't give me any answers I stopped listening. I have since been running a little (when those dawgon shingles aren't killing me, as they are located in a place that makes running excruciating) and I PLAN to hit a yoga class when I finish all these papers for school!

As for work and school, I recently got a little promotion at work and was hired full time! That was nice considering I got the state benefits and a little raise. Can't beat that!! I also am a little further ahead on classes than I thought, and will be able to graduate in December, I am hoping! That was most fabulous news to Larry and myself! I am sure he will be happy to have his wife back and not with her nose in a book or away in class. Ok, I can't leave out the less crabby and stressed out part too! :) I have continued to notice my brain returning to normal (read: the previous state in which I was able to adequately remember details and information) so that has been refreshing and VERY helpful on the school front. I also was offered a graduate assistantship for the summer and fall to help implement a certificate program in my school for work with Deaf! That is going to be super exciting and I can put that on my resume too!

If that was too boring a report, I am sorry. There just has not been much happening that doesn't involve school or work. Larry is steadily working on getting the park built here in Colatown and in keeping me tied down to earth (the latter may be his hardest job ever!). His job is still going well and keeping him busy.

Well, I guess that about sums up the last few months. I wish I had more to give you all, but life has resumed to boredom and normalcy, so...

I promise to update this thing if anything happens (exciting or interesting) but until then, thanks for reading!! Love to you all.

~m

And the winner is....

Me! Ok, so really this is no win/lose situation, but that was fun anyway. I had my first 3 month scan today and everything was fabulous. They made me drink all that chalky barium stuff, fast on a diet existing of foods without carbs (basically nothing!!) and then I got that strange IV of stuff that makes you feel like you have wet your pants. And in the end-it was all worth it, as I got a clean bill. The only think they noticed was some very slight damage to my lungs and some more scar tissue both from the radiation and surgery (so that explains my lack of ability to breathe when I run? ok, that's just plain old being outta shape, I know). Anyhoo, I don't have to return to Dr C for 3 months. And those previously noted every 3 months scans? Well they have been stretched to every 6 months since we don't really have anything to look at. That is great!!

I do have to see a Neurologist next week though, as I have been experiencing some very bizarre nerve tingling down both legs that happens numerous times every day and has become quite annoying! Dr C (and I) both think it is likely nothing more than some Nueropothy(I guess I forgot to tell you guys I was also a Doctor now) which is fairly common and has several fixes and causes. So, I'll keep you posted on that craziness. I swear, at times I wonder if I am losing it and need to be served by some of my colleagues at the local Mental Health Center, all these crazy things that happen to me! But alas, I have some smart people assuring me I am not making them up, so for now, I am staying out of the treatment centers.

As for all other things in La Vida de Reaves, school is great and only on the verge of kicking my butt. I am enjoying reading and studying (really! Not a lie!) and even writing some papers. I have decided that I am not half bad at that writing stuff! Larry is doing great and Pour It Now is SOOOOO close to having success with the skatepark in Columbia. They have meetings often and are really excited about all the input the city is giving the skaters. It is really exciting! It is also AWESOME to imagine that one day soon there may be another place for the skaters to congregate (other than our backyard, I mean). So, that's where we are and what we've been doing.

Oh, small update on my last blog and my loss on sanity/dealing with anger issues: I am continuing to attend the Support group and find comfort in just being there. Although we may not deal with my stuff, its just nice to be around people who would likely understand. That in itself is a great feeling. I have also really been stepping up the yoga and man, does that just make me feel BETTER!! I cannot explain the benefits I get from my classes. I feel healthy on so many levels and the next day I feel sore and that is even great! I forgot how good it feels to have sore muscles from getting healthy! Anyway, I'm not here to try and sway you all to become yogi's, I just wanted to fill ya in. :)

Hope you are all well and enjoying all this nice weather we've been having. I sure am looking forward to spring and summer as I seemed to miss most of mine last year. Look out summer, here I come!!!

Love.

~m

One day at a time...

Hello Dear friends! It has again, been quite some time since my last update. It is not for lack of trying this time. I have just not known what to tell you. I have felt in the last month that my life has come to an odd place. I thought that once chemo was finished and my life returned to the place it was before, I would be able to keep going just as I had. That seems not to be the case. I am realizing lately that I have many feelings that I have not dealt with. The most noticeable of those is anger. I realized that I am still angry about so many things that I do not know where to begin. I will not be choosing this blog as the place where I attempt to rid myself of my anger and learn how to release it, but I did think it important to include you all in my trials. I have also realized that I am changed. I am a different person than the Mary you all knew. Than the Mary I knew. I am struggling to re-learn myself, to meet and become acquainted with my new self-if you will. I found myself wondering just now, as I was trying with no luck to fall asleep, if my friends and family are struggling to become acquainted with this new person as well. Are they finding it as difficult as I am?

I imagine your first questions in response to the above statements are "What in the world are you doing to deal with these feelings?" Well, my first step has been to attend a Cancer Support group at my Oncology office. I have known about them for some time but had more excuses than Larry has skateboards for not going. A client needed this, Larry needed that, I needed to have lunch with this person and the like. I also had some fears that were incredibly ridiculous, but real and fears, nonetheless. I am lucky to have a number of wise and willing to listen people in my world that guided me to find the answers I held within myself about why I really needed to go. I have only gone to one and am not sure that is the place I need it to be, but its a start. And we must all start someplace.

I have also begun my yoga practice again. That is something I was not vigilant about pre-cancer but an activity from which I did find great solace, strength, and peace of mind. I am a long way from being where I was in my practice (which was not very far!) and have a long way to go mentally and physically to catch up, but I am inspired to get there. I tried running again and have not had as much success in the mind area there. Reason tells me that it will take time for anyone to get back to their standard after a hiatus, but that is so much easier to know in your head than to know in your heart. I have found myself without the strength in either area to pick it back up. Little by little I keep saying.

I occasionally find myself having days where I feel like I am still in chemo and today is one of those days. I still wake up with aching bones and nausea. With tired eyes and a sore throat. Those days make it hard to get out of bed, to do anything. I wonder how long they will last, or if they ever will go away? Mom reminds me it has not been so long, and I am doing so great. But sometimes it is not so easy to see, especially on days like today. I am thankful everyday for Larry and Mom. They accept my crappy days and my lows and love me just as much; sometimes it feels like they love me more. I am realizing day by day that while I may have some hair, and I may be in remission, my journey with cancer is far from over. Isn't it strange how our emotions can have us so fooled? Maybe I needed to have my head where it was so I could get through the physical and now is time for the rest. I'll let you all know how the story goes.

So I don't leave you all feeling sorry for me and worrying that you should call me a Counselor-some really good things have happened as of late! I have started classes again and while that is a little different given the new brain (I honestly have a new brain!) it's a wonderful feeling. I know it sounds bizarre about the new brain and a bit like an excuse from a girl who never really was that great a student, but it's true! I am learning how to learn, make new connections, remember things (big and small, random and important). So that is a new and exciting challenge. I have thought a few times about calling up one of my old psych professors nad offering up the brain for some research, but I decided I'll just use what I got for school. I'm not that far from my Master's after all! Another great thing the 'happened' this month (skip this part if you are not interested in all things girly), we got a really good sign that we won't need those 7 frozen babies after all!! It came back! Way sooner than I anticipated and that was cause for great celebration among friends and family. I can honestly say, I NEVER celebrated the occurrence of such a thing before in my life! It was a much needed comic relief.

Well, it is even more past by bed time than when I began and I am hoping that by getting a few things off my chest, I will sleep better tonight. This blog really has been healing for me in more ways than you all know. I think I would come here to write even if no one read it- I'm happy that you all do though! Thank you as always for being my friends, my family and for being there (and here) when I needed you most.

Love.

~m

Hello Hair!

And Hello Friends and Family! I have had numerous comments on my lack of attention to this blog. I must admit I was a tad concerned that you had all likely lost interest in reading this blog thingy especially now that I haven't much to say. But, I have been told that is not the case so here is a little update, a photo and some general Maryfo...

As of November 19th I was deemed Cancer free, treated and ready to get on with the rest of my life. I was cleared completely that day and told that all scans, bloodwork and the like showed no signs of cancer and no signs that we should continue treatments. I was quite thrilled if not emotional. I was happy to hear that news but somewhere in the back of my mind was nervous and unsure. I was not going to need to see a Dr until February when I am scheduled to have my next scans (those I will have every 3 months for 2 years, then every 6 months for 3 years and then once a year for the rest of my life). However, since that day I have had some discomfort in my chest around the area where they were radiating and it has yet to go away, so after much prodding and 'reminding' from Mom and Lar, I saw the Dr last Friday. He did a chest x-ray and did not see anything but thinks I am likely suffering from some inflammation and suggested I use some steroids for a few days and keep an eye on it. That did make me realize that I think I will most likely be even more hypochondriachal than before (if that's possible!) since every little thing makes me nervous! But I am sure that will go away with time. I will let you all know how that goes...

As for everything else, I have been working my little fanny off and trying to find some semblance of normalcy. I am still struggling with my memory and that is incredibly frustrating. Doc C told me I would eventually start getting some of that back but that it will never be quite what it was. I have been dealing with it as best I can. Larry helps me often and thank goodness everyone has been extremely patient with my constant forgetfulness. As for the hair, well you can see yourself that it has been coming back quite nicely. It is a good bit lighter than it was before and I have a few new cow-licks. But I have been telling everyone who asks that, as long as it comes back I could care LESS what it looks like. As long as it grows all over my head. :)

Larry and I are ready to start this new year and try to remember what it was like BC (before cancer) and maybe even get ready for some new additions to the family. But for now, we are just working on getting our life back. We continue to be so grateful for you all. I have decided to keep the blog (and try to be better about updating it every so often) until we are actually able to achieve those new additions and let you all know how that goes (meaning the eggs and all, not any more detailed than necessary as I have displayed enough of my life for public viewing-wink). So until then...thanks for reading and love to you all.

~m

I, just wanna celebrate!

Can you hear the music behind that? Well good! I am only one more treatment away from being finished with it all. I saw Doc C on Wednesday (I know, this is a little late) and he said "Officially" that all scans are clear, clean and sans any signs of the big "C". That being said, I got my passport out on Friday (WHEEEEEEEW) and after Monday's last radiation treatment, I don't have to see another cancer doctor until February 19th or something. That was the best news a girl could get! There is a small feeling of sadness however, weirdly enough, but I have come to feel sort of like family with all those people there at the office. I see them so regularly and talk with them so often, that not seeing them anymore kind of makes me nervous. I keep thinking does this mean that instantly I am supposed to feel normal and well and finished? Cause I really don't yet. It seems weird to think I will see no more doctors, yet I still have no hair, no period, no energy and numb fingertips. But, I know all those things will begin to subside (or come back as the case may be with a few) and my life will slowly return to normal. Yesterday was a great feeling though when they took that port out. I actually started to cry. As soon as he said, "alright, it's out!" the tears just started falling. The girls had to hand me a rag so I wouldn't cry all over the table! It was such a strange feeling, like I knew it has officially ended when my nemesis was removed!! I asked the doc if I could keep it (the most bizarre request I am sure he has had) and low and behold, he actually dropped it on the floor by accident into a bag and I found it on my way out the door! I have no earthly idea what I will do with it, but its mine. I might just stuff it in a drawer and never look at it again, or maybe I will make a necklace out of it. That made you cringe a little, didn't it? :) It just is the one tangible thing I have from this whole ordeal and it carries a huge meaning with it, as strange as it sounds. Anyway, me and my weird notions will move on to other news...

With life returning to normal (or as much as it can) Larry and I are so grateful for everything. We have been so supported through visits, emails, CARDS, and phone calls and could not have made it without all of it, without all of you. I am not sure I will know what to do with myself when this all ends, but at least I know I have the most incredible support group to call on. At least I hope you aren't all tired of hearing about Mary. Cause I just might need you a little while longer.

Love.

~m

Sorry!

I promised a post when I had details about scans and when I started radiation and dawg-on-it, if I didn't forget and just leave you all hanging. Sorry!

So here's the deal...radiation is a breeze! I had all my scans on Monday and although I have not had the official reading by the Radiologist yet, Dr. C scrolled through them with me and said he saw nothing! That means chemo is done and there is officially no more trace of Mona (except that small scar she left behind and the clamps, wires and staples). So Tuesday, I started the radiation and it is fast and so far no real side effects. I drive over to SCOA everyday at 2:30, change into a gown and about the time I get my heiney planted into a chair and have a decent magazine to look at, they call my name back. I lay on a table (pretty much like for an x-ray) and they line me up with those fancy blue sharpie marks I told you all about, and then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz they laser my front, move around to my back for about another 30 seconds, and that's it! It takes them longer to line me up than it does to actually laser me. So Monday thru Friday, I see my friends Sergio, Amanda and Kelly and a super nice little lady (she says she's 82, but I don't buy it) who is there with her daughter and that's it!

As for the side effects, I think I may have some psychosomatic one's including thinking that my throat is burning and that I am physically exhausted (that's what they told me to expect) but I think those may be attributed to my working all the time and allergies. So...as for now, I am just trying to get back to feeling like myself, watching my little bit of fuzz grow back and get this Lupron out of my system (that's the Menopause stuff that is supposed to be protecting my ovaries, but the only thing I am sure its doing is making me a crazy person with INSANE hot flashes). There is one upside, I have a new respect for all those women I see frantically fanning themselves! They say that should be out of my system about mid December. I am thinking that if that is not the case, people will suffer. Just teasing, kind of. Anyway, I am thinking that my last day of radiation is November 19th and then by Thanksgiving I should be all done!! Woooohooo! Hopefully they will have taken this stupid port out by then as well. I see Doc C again on the 14th and I am not leaving his office until he tells me when it comes out. See...there's that crazy person I told you about. You all thought I was kidding, didn't you?

Well, here is the update that I promised ages ago. Hope it was worth the wait. It sure was some good news and I am sorry I did not share it sooner. As for Lar and I, we are heading to a Halloween party tonight with some friends, so I must go get my costume together. Until next time...

Love.

~m

Chemo-cation

Well, Larry and I are sitting our lazy hieney's at the beach taking a much needed chemo-cation. Mom has a timeshare in North Myrtle and was kind enough to let Larry and I come down for a few days to rest and relax. You all know how much I love the beach and thankfully Larry shares that love with me. We have been doing absolutely nothing (except watching some rain, boo) eating sushi, since I couldn't eat that during chemo and watching movies. Yesterday we were able to sit on the beach and watch some kite surfers for a while and last night after eating a delish sushi dinner we sat more on the beach and just enjoyed the sand, smell, and sights. Sleeping late, yummy breakfasts and laziness is just what we both needed before the next part of our crazy cancer journey begins. We have been planning our Halloween costumes and what we will do when all this is over. Mostly what we have come up with is life as usual. We plan to continue going on doing what we always have done. Love each other and love life. It has been so nice to get out of town again and celebrate the fact that the worst is over and we almost have our lives back. Almost. Monday I have all my final scans and hopefully get the official last word that chemo is over and then get my port removed. YAY!! Then on Tuesday we start the actual radiation process. That happens for 15 sessions and I think I figured that November 19th I am done. That is just in time for Thanksgiving! What a time for thankfulness that will be. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday anyway, but I am sure looking forward to it more this year than any before.

Well, just wanted to give a quick update while I was here being lazy and relaxing. Thanks as always for reading and wanting to know what we are up to, we are deeply thankful for you all.

Love.

~m