Hello Dear friends! It has again, been quite some time since my last update. It is not for lack of trying this time. I have just not known what to tell you. I have felt in the last month that my life has come to an odd place. I thought that once chemo was finished and my life returned to the place it was before, I would be able to keep going just as I had. That seems not to be the case. I am realizing lately that I have many feelings that I have not dealt with. The most noticeable of those is anger. I realized that I am still angry about so many things that I do not know where to begin. I will not be choosing this blog as the place where I attempt to rid myself of my anger and learn how to release it, but I did think it important to include you all in my trials. I have also realized that I am changed. I am a different person than the Mary you all knew. Than the Mary I knew. I am struggling to re-learn myself, to meet and become acquainted with my new self-if you will. I found myself wondering just now, as I was trying with no luck to fall asleep, if my friends and family are struggling to become acquainted with this new person as well. Are they finding it as difficult as I am?
I imagine your first questions in response to the above statements are "What in the world are you doing to deal with these feelings?" Well, my first step has been to attend a Cancer Support group at my Oncology office. I have known about them for some time but had more excuses than Larry has skateboards for not going. A client needed this, Larry needed that, I needed to have lunch with this person and the like. I also had some fears that were incredibly ridiculous, but real and fears, nonetheless. I am lucky to have a number of wise and willing to listen people in my world that guided me to find the answers I held within myself about why I really needed to go. I have only gone to one and am not sure that is the place I need it to be, but its a start. And we must all start someplace.
I have also begun my yoga practice again. That is something I was not vigilant about pre-cancer but an activity from which I did find great solace, strength, and peace of mind. I am a long way from being where I was in my practice (which was not very far!) and have a long way to go mentally and physically to catch up, but I am inspired to get there. I tried running again and have not had as much success in the mind area there. Reason tells me that it will take time for anyone to get back to their standard after a hiatus, but that is so much easier to know in your head than to know in your heart. I have found myself without the strength in either area to pick it back up. Little by little I keep saying.
I occasionally find myself having days where I feel like I am still in chemo and today is one of those days. I still wake up with aching bones and nausea. With tired eyes and a sore throat. Those days make it hard to get out of bed, to do anything. I wonder how long they will last, or if they ever will go away? Mom reminds me it has not been so long, and I am doing so great. But sometimes it is not so easy to see, especially on days like today. I am thankful everyday for Larry and Mom. They accept my crappy days and my lows and love me just as much; sometimes it feels like they love me more. I am realizing day by day that while I may have some hair, and I may be in remission, my journey with cancer is far from over. Isn't it strange how our emotions can have us so fooled? Maybe I needed to have my head where it was so I could get through the physical and now is time for the rest. I'll let you all know how the story goes.
So I don't leave you all feeling sorry for me and worrying that you should call me a Counselor-some really good things have happened as of late! I have started classes again and while that is a little different given the new brain (I honestly have a new brain!) it's a wonderful feeling. I know it sounds bizarre about the new brain and a bit like an excuse from a girl who never really was that great a student, but it's true! I am learning how to learn, make new connections, remember things (big and small, random and important). So that is a new and exciting challenge. I have thought a few times about calling up one of my old psych professors nad offering up the brain for some research, but I decided I'll just use what I got for school. I'm not that far from my Master's after all! Another great thing the 'happened' this month (skip this part if you are not interested in all things girly), we got a really good sign that we won't need those 7 frozen babies after all!! It came back! Way sooner than I anticipated and that was cause for great celebration among friends and family. I can honestly say, I NEVER celebrated the occurrence of such a thing before in my life! It was a much needed comic relief.
Well, it is even more past by bed time than when I began and I am hoping that by getting a few things off my chest, I will sleep better tonight. This blog really has been healing for me in more ways than you all know. I think I would come here to write even if no one read it- I'm happy that you all do though! Thank you as always for being my friends, my family and for being there (and here) when I needed you most.
Love.
~m
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