So my good friend Pete wrote to me the other day and said that I should keep writing here, even when I feel like there isn't much to say. "Well, why the hell would I do that" i thought...who wants to read the silly rantings of an over-worked, over-stressed, pregnant woman who should be doing school work, or cleaning the house, or putting the kitchen back together, or finishing the 19 loads of laundry piled up in the laundry room? Well, apparently Pete said he might and that made me think maybe some others would too. I like to read random blogs about nothing sometimes and well honestly if no one does, I like coming here. I like writing and sometimes I even make myself laugh and make myself feel better (read: feel less like a loser since I'm doing SOMETHING, just not what I should).
So anyway I'm sitting here in the office-that-is-soon-to-be-the-nursery-but-looks-like-a-tornado-went-off-instead and trying to write some ridiculous paper on my findings about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Oh-my-god how boring can you get!!! This is the second of three such papers and they make me want to pull my new fabulous-after-chemo hair out (damn, I'm using a lot of hyphens today). I am doing everything but finishing this paper including staring out the window, yelling at the stupid mutt that lives with the morons across the street and daydreaming about the 6 pieces of chocolate I just ate and how fat they are going to make my ever growing ass. I am dreaming about what it will be like in one month when I have completed (mind, you maybe not passed) my comps (damn still can't show you the sign for that-stoopid f'in computer) and how I will have Saturdays to enjoy doing something outside of this horrid, shrinking little room. I can't even remember what that will be like! Can anyone remind me what a free Saturday is like...? Anyone? Yeah, ok so this is truly a blog about nothing. But I still like coming here. And I still like writing...just not shit about assessment instruments and how they really taught me a lot about my fake client named Jeanette whose personality I could care less about. So there, I guess I have stalled enough. Better get back to Jeanette and whether she's an ESFP or ISJT or what-the-hell-ever.
Till next time...
~m.
oh - and about that title: Anyone interested in offering up a home to a 16 year old fat-ass mean-as-hell cat named Louis? Can't blame a girl for tryin'.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
baby mama
Wow, so the last time I posted was August!! I am worse than I thought! Well, there honestly hasn't been a whole lotta time for posting stuff on this here blog. I am still plugging away diligently at school which takes up the vast majority of my free time. Graduation is set for December 15th, but that is only a relevant date for me if I can survive until November 14th when I take my comprehensive final exam which is where I must recall all the information I have learned over the last two years and pour it out in essay form in under 3 hours! See the concern there (and the need for that crazy long runon sentence)? Not only did I lose some brain cells during that whole chemo bit last year but now I have preggo brain and can't half remember what I did yesterday! Okay, so those are lame excuses, but I am a tad worried about that thing. If my computer didn't hate me on a regular basis I would a picture of me showing you what the sign (American Sign Language) is for comps. It would make you laugh and cry for me at the same time (ok, so probably not cry, but one can lie to ones self, right?).
Anyway, I promised to keep you all (whoever you still are) updated on all things Mary and Larry. Well I announced in my last, albeit a ridiculously long time ago, blog that I am pregnant. Well I am 22 weeks today (that's 5.5 months for those who hate conversions like I do) and we found out just two weeks ago that we are having a boy. In fact, here are some p
hotos for those who didn't 
get/see/read/open the email. We are still trying to figure out names and all that crazy jazz but it is quite an experience. Especially when we really thought we would be using those embryo's we went to all the trouble of growing and harvesting. Don't get me wrong, we are both insanely grateful that we didn't need to use them and were successful the "good old fashioned way". But that leaves us with a bit of a dilemma in what to do with those eggs that are laying patiently in cold storage continuing to rack up their enormous annual fee. That's not what I intend to post on this evening, but it's certainly something I think about often.
Anyway, back to pregnancy and la vida del reaves:
Larry has been able to feel the baby move a number of times. I definitely think its the coolest thing to ever happen to me and he finds it incredible as well. Little Baby Reaves is quite a mover and a shaker and LOVES when I eat and when I try to go to sleep. He also goes bananas when I am in the car so I told Larry its a good thing he likes to drive since we may have a baby that prefers driving around at 3am as opposed to quietly resting in his bed. Guess we'll have to keep you posted on that one! We are expecting him to arrive somewhere at the end of February, like maybe the 25th. That date gets scarier and scarier!
So around the home front, Larry and I (and the awesome people we hired to help us) have been quite busy working to get the house in better shape. We have completely re-done the kitchen and Larry is quite the cabinet maker/countertop-layer/electrician/plumber and he hasn't seen a free weekend in ages! Our house has been a complete mess for weeks now with almost every room undergoing some type of transformation and each one at various stages in the process. If I weren't so busy each night with either work or school I would be freaking out! My continued gratitude to my amazing husband for his hard work and dedication. He doesn't complain or gripe, even when he has a bandaid (only because I force him, mind you) on 5 out of 10 fingers! What a champ! We are hoping this will all be done and over and all cleaned up in the next little while. It sure would be nice to have it all ready for the Holidays!
Anyhoo, that is a quick update on what's been happening in our lives. I hope to put some before and after photo's up here of the house for anyone who is interested. Hope that you are all well and getting ready for the Holiday's, I know I sure am!
love.
~m
Anyway, I promised to keep you all (whoever you still are) updated on all things Mary and Larry. Well I announced in my last, albeit a ridiculously long time ago, blog that I am pregnant. Well I am 22 weeks today (that's 5.5 months for those who hate conversions like I do) and we found out just two weeks ago that we are having a boy. In fact, here are some p
hotos for those who didn't 
get/see/read/open the email. We are still trying to figure out names and all that crazy jazz but it is quite an experience. Especially when we really thought we would be using those embryo's we went to all the trouble of growing and harvesting. Don't get me wrong, we are both insanely grateful that we didn't need to use them and were successful the "good old fashioned way". But that leaves us with a bit of a dilemma in what to do with those eggs that are laying patiently in cold storage continuing to rack up their enormous annual fee. That's not what I intend to post on this evening, but it's certainly something I think about often. Anyway, back to pregnancy and la vida del reaves:
Larry has been able to feel the baby move a number of times. I definitely think its the coolest thing to ever happen to me and he finds it incredible as well. Little Baby Reaves is quite a mover and a shaker and LOVES when I eat and when I try to go to sleep. He also goes bananas when I am in the car so I told Larry its a good thing he likes to drive since we may have a baby that prefers driving around at 3am as opposed to quietly resting in his bed. Guess we'll have to keep you posted on that one! We are expecting him to arrive somewhere at the end of February, like maybe the 25th. That date gets scarier and scarier!
So around the home front, Larry and I (and the awesome people we hired to help us) have been quite busy working to get the house in better shape. We have completely re-done the kitchen and Larry is quite the cabinet maker/countertop-layer/electrician/plumber and he hasn't seen a free weekend in ages! Our house has been a complete mess for weeks now with almost every room undergoing some type of transformation and each one at various stages in the process. If I weren't so busy each night with either work or school I would be freaking out! My continued gratitude to my amazing husband for his hard work and dedication. He doesn't complain or gripe, even when he has a bandaid (only because I force him, mind you) on 5 out of 10 fingers! What a champ! We are hoping this will all be done and over and all cleaned up in the next little while. It sure would be nice to have it all ready for the Holidays!
Anyhoo, that is a quick update on what's been happening in our lives. I hope to put some before and after photo's up here of the house for anyone who is interested. Hope that you are all well and getting ready for the Holiday's, I know I sure am!
love.
~m
Monday, August 4, 2008
Vacation!
Well it has again been ages since I have posted here and who knows if anyone still checks this spot, but I told Mom and Will I would figure how to post some pics while we were on vacation in St. Croix. We are here for the week with Judi and Steven (our close friends from Charleston) and having a blast. THe weather is wonderful and from the pics you will see that we have an amazing place with an even more amazing view. We decided to go for renting a house in lieu of the standard all-inclusive resort and it is proving to be a great decision. The house is all ours, its quiet, relaxing and we have our own private pool, jacuzzi, and Jeep to tour the sites. I am not sure how often I will update the blog while we are hear (as we have to sit in a rather unusual spot on the far corner of the patio for the internet to pick up, but here's some for now.Just a few pics that we thought were cool (sinc ethis blog won't let me load too many!)
Enjoy!oh- and here's a tid bit of interesting information you may all enjoy knowing. Larry and I are not alone on this little trip to paradise (not meaning Judi and Steven!). We found out a few weeks ago that we need not use those frozen grandbabies Mom loves to talk about as we are 11 weeks pregnant! More on that later!!! :)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Shame, shame.
On me, that is. It is almost May and I have not made a post since February!!! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I have no excuse. Well actually I think I have a few good ones. I have been working my tail off at work and at school. I may have informed you that I returned in full force to school and am taking 15 hours. That is quite a load. I actually should be doing some school work right now but I am doing everything I can think of instead. So here's whats been happening:
My visits with the Neurologist failed to give me anything other than more bills. He was unable to determine anything about the tingling that gave us any definitive answers and only suggested more tests (like a nuclear bone scan! what?!? I have had enough scans and I am full enough of nuclear chemicals and radiation, thank you very much!) so I decided to return to Dr C and see what he had to say about that. In the meantime, I developed a nasty case of the shingles. Dr C seems to think that the tingling could be from a myriad of things like the chemo, radiation or the Nulasta shots. It could even be form the shingles!! So after 4 MRI's, it could be I just was in prodromal phase of shingledom! How nice, I thought. Well, that's ok, at least it wasn't anything serious! As for those shingles? Well, I am going on 9 weeks of the little ba*@!%$ds and I have had quite enough. I would not wish those on my worst enemy.
Ok, enough complaining about that. In other news health wise, all is dandy and hunkydorey. I had begun running again and yoga pretty steadily until the Neuro guy suggested I stop until we figure out what was going on, but when he couldn't give me any answers I stopped listening. I have since been running a little (when those dawgon shingles aren't killing me, as they are located in a place that makes running excruciating) and I PLAN to hit a yoga class when I finish all these papers for school!
As for work and school, I recently got a little promotion at work and was hired full time! That was nice considering I got the state benefits and a little raise. Can't beat that!! I also am a little further ahead on classes than I thought, and will be able to graduate in December, I am hoping! That was most fabulous news to Larry and myself! I am sure he will be happy to have his wife back and not with her nose in a book or away in class. Ok, I can't leave out the less crabby and stressed out part too! :) I have continued to notice my brain returning to normal (read: the previous state in which I was able to adequately remember details and information) so that has been refreshing and VERY helpful on the school front. I also was offered a graduate assistantship for the summer and fall to help implement a certificate program in my school for work with Deaf! That is going to be super exciting and I can put that on my resume too!
If that was too boring a report, I am sorry. There just has not been much happening that doesn't involve school or work. Larry is steadily working on getting the park built here in Colatown and in keeping me tied down to earth (the latter may be his hardest job ever!). His job is still going well and keeping him busy.
Well, I guess that about sums up the last few months. I wish I had more to give you all, but life has resumed to boredom and normalcy, so...
I promise to update this thing if anything happens (exciting or interesting) but until then, thanks for reading!! Love to you all.
~m
My visits with the Neurologist failed to give me anything other than more bills. He was unable to determine anything about the tingling that gave us any definitive answers and only suggested more tests (like a nuclear bone scan! what?!? I have had enough scans and I am full enough of nuclear chemicals and radiation, thank you very much!) so I decided to return to Dr C and see what he had to say about that. In the meantime, I developed a nasty case of the shingles. Dr C seems to think that the tingling could be from a myriad of things like the chemo, radiation or the Nulasta shots. It could even be form the shingles!! So after 4 MRI's, it could be I just was in prodromal phase of shingledom! How nice, I thought. Well, that's ok, at least it wasn't anything serious! As for those shingles? Well, I am going on 9 weeks of the little ba*@!%$ds and I have had quite enough. I would not wish those on my worst enemy.
Ok, enough complaining about that. In other news health wise, all is dandy and hunkydorey. I had begun running again and yoga pretty steadily until the Neuro guy suggested I stop until we figure out what was going on, but when he couldn't give me any answers I stopped listening. I have since been running a little (when those dawgon shingles aren't killing me, as they are located in a place that makes running excruciating) and I PLAN to hit a yoga class when I finish all these papers for school!
As for work and school, I recently got a little promotion at work and was hired full time! That was nice considering I got the state benefits and a little raise. Can't beat that!! I also am a little further ahead on classes than I thought, and will be able to graduate in December, I am hoping! That was most fabulous news to Larry and myself! I am sure he will be happy to have his wife back and not with her nose in a book or away in class. Ok, I can't leave out the less crabby and stressed out part too! :) I have continued to notice my brain returning to normal (read: the previous state in which I was able to adequately remember details and information) so that has been refreshing and VERY helpful on the school front. I also was offered a graduate assistantship for the summer and fall to help implement a certificate program in my school for work with Deaf! That is going to be super exciting and I can put that on my resume too!
If that was too boring a report, I am sorry. There just has not been much happening that doesn't involve school or work. Larry is steadily working on getting the park built here in Colatown and in keeping me tied down to earth (the latter may be his hardest job ever!). His job is still going well and keeping him busy.
Well, I guess that about sums up the last few months. I wish I had more to give you all, but life has resumed to boredom and normalcy, so...
I promise to update this thing if anything happens (exciting or interesting) but until then, thanks for reading!! Love to you all.
~m
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
And the winner is....
Me! Ok, so really this is no win/lose situation, but that was fun anyway. I had my first 3 month scan today and everything was fabulous. They made me drink all that chalky barium stuff, fast on a diet existing of foods without carbs (basically nothing!!) and then I got that strange IV of stuff that makes you feel like you have wet your pants. And in the end-it was all worth it, as I got a clean bill. The only think they noticed was some very slight damage to my lungs and some more scar tissue both from the radiation and surgery (so that explains my lack of ability to breathe when I run? ok, that's just plain old being outta shape, I know). Anyhoo, I don't have to return to Dr C for 3 months. And those previously noted every 3 months scans? Well they have been stretched to every 6 months since we don't really have anything to look at. That is great!!
I do have to see a Neurologist next week though, as I have been experiencing some very bizarre nerve tingling down both legs that happens numerous times every day and has become quite annoying! Dr C (and I) both think it is likely nothing more than some Nueropothy(I guess I forgot to tell you guys I was also a Doctor now) which is fairly common and has several fixes and causes. So, I'll keep you posted on that craziness. I swear, at times I wonder if I am losing it and need to be served by some of my colleagues at the local Mental Health Center, all these crazy things that happen to me! But alas, I have some smart people assuring me I am not making them up, so for now, I am staying out of the treatment centers.
As for all other things in La Vida de Reaves, school is great and only on the verge of kicking my butt. I am enjoying reading and studying (really! Not a lie!) and even writing some papers. I have decided that I am not half bad at that writing stuff! Larry is doing great and Pour It Now is SOOOOO close to having success with the skatepark in Columbia. They have meetings often and are really excited about all the input the city is giving the skaters. It is really exciting! It is also AWESOME to imagine that one day soon there may be another place for the skaters to congregate (other than our backyard, I mean). So, that's where we are and what we've been doing.
Oh, small update on my last blog and my loss on sanity/dealing with anger issues: I am continuing to attend the Support group and find comfort in just being there. Although we may not deal with my stuff, its just nice to be around people who would likely understand. That in itself is a great feeling. I have also really been stepping up the yoga and man, does that just make me feel BETTER!! I cannot explain the benefits I get from my classes. I feel healthy on so many levels and the next day I feel sore and that is even great! I forgot how good it feels to have sore muscles from getting healthy! Anyway, I'm not here to try and sway you all to become yogi's, I just wanted to fill ya in. :)
Hope you are all well and enjoying all this nice weather we've been having. I sure am looking forward to spring and summer as I seemed to miss most of mine last year. Look out summer, here I come!!!
Love.
~m
I do have to see a Neurologist next week though, as I have been experiencing some very bizarre nerve tingling down both legs that happens numerous times every day and has become quite annoying! Dr C (and I) both think it is likely nothing more than some Nueropothy(I guess I forgot to tell you guys I was also a Doctor now) which is fairly common and has several fixes and causes. So, I'll keep you posted on that craziness. I swear, at times I wonder if I am losing it and need to be served by some of my colleagues at the local Mental Health Center, all these crazy things that happen to me! But alas, I have some smart people assuring me I am not making them up, so for now, I am staying out of the treatment centers.
As for all other things in La Vida de Reaves, school is great and only on the verge of kicking my butt. I am enjoying reading and studying (really! Not a lie!) and even writing some papers. I have decided that I am not half bad at that writing stuff! Larry is doing great and Pour It Now is SOOOOO close to having success with the skatepark in Columbia. They have meetings often and are really excited about all the input the city is giving the skaters. It is really exciting! It is also AWESOME to imagine that one day soon there may be another place for the skaters to congregate (other than our backyard, I mean). So, that's where we are and what we've been doing.
Oh, small update on my last blog and my loss on sanity/dealing with anger issues: I am continuing to attend the Support group and find comfort in just being there. Although we may not deal with my stuff, its just nice to be around people who would likely understand. That in itself is a great feeling. I have also really been stepping up the yoga and man, does that just make me feel BETTER!! I cannot explain the benefits I get from my classes. I feel healthy on so many levels and the next day I feel sore and that is even great! I forgot how good it feels to have sore muscles from getting healthy! Anyway, I'm not here to try and sway you all to become yogi's, I just wanted to fill ya in. :)
Hope you are all well and enjoying all this nice weather we've been having. I sure am looking forward to spring and summer as I seemed to miss most of mine last year. Look out summer, here I come!!!
Love.
~m
Friday, February 1, 2008
One day at a time...
Hello Dear friends! It has again, been quite some time since my last update. It is not for lack of trying this time. I have just not known what to tell you. I have felt in the last month that my life has come to an odd place. I thought that once chemo was finished and my life returned to the place it was before, I would be able to keep going just as I had. That seems not to be the case. I am realizing lately that I have many feelings that I have not dealt with. The most noticeable of those is anger. I realized that I am still angry about so many things that I do not know where to begin. I will not be choosing this blog as the place where I attempt to rid myself of my anger and learn how to release it, but I did think it important to include you all in my trials. I have also realized that I am changed. I am a different person than the Mary you all knew. Than the Mary I knew. I am struggling to re-learn myself, to meet and become acquainted with my new self-if you will. I found myself wondering just now, as I was trying with no luck to fall asleep, if my friends and family are struggling to become acquainted with this new person as well. Are they finding it as difficult as I am?
I imagine your first questions in response to the above statements are "What in the world are you doing to deal with these feelings?" Well, my first step has been to attend a Cancer Support group at my Oncology office. I have known about them for some time but had more excuses than Larry has skateboards for not going. A client needed this, Larry needed that, I needed to have lunch with this person and the like. I also had some fears that were incredibly ridiculous, but real and fears, nonetheless. I am lucky to have a number of wise and willing to listen people in my world that guided me to find the answers I held within myself about why I really needed to go. I have only gone to one and am not sure that is the place I need it to be, but its a start. And we must all start someplace.
I have also begun my yoga practice again. That is something I was not vigilant about pre-cancer but an activity from which I did find great solace, strength, and peace of mind. I am a long way from being where I was in my practice (which was not very far!) and have a long way to go mentally and physically to catch up, but I am inspired to get there. I tried running again and have not had as much success in the mind area there. Reason tells me that it will take time for anyone to get back to their standard after a hiatus, but that is so much easier to know in your head than to know in your heart. I have found myself without the strength in either area to pick it back up. Little by little I keep saying.
I occasionally find myself having days where I feel like I am still in chemo and today is one of those days. I still wake up with aching bones and nausea. With tired eyes and a sore throat. Those days make it hard to get out of bed, to do anything. I wonder how long they will last, or if they ever will go away? Mom reminds me it has not been so long, and I am doing so great. But sometimes it is not so easy to see, especially on days like today. I am thankful everyday for Larry and Mom. They accept my crappy days and my lows and love me just as much; sometimes it feels like they love me more. I am realizing day by day that while I may have some hair, and I may be in remission, my journey with cancer is far from over. Isn't it strange how our emotions can have us so fooled? Maybe I needed to have my head where it was so I could get through the physical and now is time for the rest. I'll let you all know how the story goes.
So I don't leave you all feeling sorry for me and worrying that you should call me a Counselor-some really good things have happened as of late! I have started classes again and while that is a little different given the new brain (I honestly have a new brain!) it's a wonderful feeling. I know it sounds bizarre about the new brain and a bit like an excuse from a girl who never really was that great a student, but it's true! I am learning how to learn, make new connections, remember things (big and small, random and important). So that is a new and exciting challenge. I have thought a few times about calling up one of my old psych professors nad offering up the brain for some research, but I decided I'll just use what I got for school. I'm not that far from my Master's after all! Another great thing the 'happened' this month (skip this part if you are not interested in all things girly), we got a really good sign that we won't need those 7 frozen babies after all!! It came back! Way sooner than I anticipated and that was cause for great celebration among friends and family. I can honestly say, I NEVER celebrated the occurrence of such a thing before in my life! It was a much needed comic relief.
Well, it is even more past by bed time than when I began and I am hoping that by getting a few things off my chest, I will sleep better tonight. This blog really has been healing for me in more ways than you all know. I think I would come here to write even if no one read it- I'm happy that you all do though! Thank you as always for being my friends, my family and for being there (and here) when I needed you most.
Love.
~m
I imagine your first questions in response to the above statements are "What in the world are you doing to deal with these feelings?" Well, my first step has been to attend a Cancer Support group at my Oncology office. I have known about them for some time but had more excuses than Larry has skateboards for not going. A client needed this, Larry needed that, I needed to have lunch with this person and the like. I also had some fears that were incredibly ridiculous, but real and fears, nonetheless. I am lucky to have a number of wise and willing to listen people in my world that guided me to find the answers I held within myself about why I really needed to go. I have only gone to one and am not sure that is the place I need it to be, but its a start. And we must all start someplace.
I have also begun my yoga practice again. That is something I was not vigilant about pre-cancer but an activity from which I did find great solace, strength, and peace of mind. I am a long way from being where I was in my practice (which was not very far!) and have a long way to go mentally and physically to catch up, but I am inspired to get there. I tried running again and have not had as much success in the mind area there. Reason tells me that it will take time for anyone to get back to their standard after a hiatus, but that is so much easier to know in your head than to know in your heart. I have found myself without the strength in either area to pick it back up. Little by little I keep saying.
I occasionally find myself having days where I feel like I am still in chemo and today is one of those days. I still wake up with aching bones and nausea. With tired eyes and a sore throat. Those days make it hard to get out of bed, to do anything. I wonder how long they will last, or if they ever will go away? Mom reminds me it has not been so long, and I am doing so great. But sometimes it is not so easy to see, especially on days like today. I am thankful everyday for Larry and Mom. They accept my crappy days and my lows and love me just as much; sometimes it feels like they love me more. I am realizing day by day that while I may have some hair, and I may be in remission, my journey with cancer is far from over. Isn't it strange how our emotions can have us so fooled? Maybe I needed to have my head where it was so I could get through the physical and now is time for the rest. I'll let you all know how the story goes.
So I don't leave you all feeling sorry for me and worrying that you should call me a Counselor-some really good things have happened as of late! I have started classes again and while that is a little different given the new brain (I honestly have a new brain!) it's a wonderful feeling. I know it sounds bizarre about the new brain and a bit like an excuse from a girl who never really was that great a student, but it's true! I am learning how to learn, make new connections, remember things (big and small, random and important). So that is a new and exciting challenge. I have thought a few times about calling up one of my old psych professors nad offering up the brain for some research, but I decided I'll just use what I got for school. I'm not that far from my Master's after all! Another great thing the 'happened' this month (skip this part if you are not interested in all things girly), we got a really good sign that we won't need those 7 frozen babies after all!! It came back! Way sooner than I anticipated and that was cause for great celebration among friends and family. I can honestly say, I NEVER celebrated the occurrence of such a thing before in my life! It was a much needed comic relief.
Well, it is even more past by bed time than when I began and I am hoping that by getting a few things off my chest, I will sleep better tonight. This blog really has been healing for me in more ways than you all know. I think I would come here to write even if no one read it- I'm happy that you all do though! Thank you as always for being my friends, my family and for being there (and here) when I needed you most.
Love.
~m
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