Looking back...

Tomorrow Larry and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary.  I cannot believe it has been 7 years already.  I remember when I met him. It was, I think, sometime in 1993.  He was sitting on top of one of those blue mail drop box things in 5 points with dredlocks (or a white boys early attempts at the same) and a green shirt.  He was swinging his feet and smiling.  I was with a friend who knew him so she stopped to say hello.  I remember him just looking at me and then saying "you look like a model".  It was a few years before we started dating but he certainly had me intrigued and feeling quite flattered.  When we finally did begin to date it was several years of on again off again.  I was a fickle young thing (not just with boys) and when he didn't behave how I envisioned I would dump him cold heartedly.  However, it never lasted very long as we always seemed to run into one another at random parties or shows and were drawn to each other.  We would end up sitting and talking for hours and inevitably we would begin dating again.  The road that led us to our marriage was long and adventure filled.  We both did some much needed growing up during those years.  I knew that.  Yet, yesterday when Larry was helping me get myself together after a day filled with tears over a baby who always seems to be in pain, he reminded me of something.  He reminded me of all we've been through the last two years and all the craziness we have survived. Together.  If I thought we'd done some growing up during our dating years, it was nothing compared to the last two.  If I thought we had made big strides in getting married and buying our first house, I was mistaken.  Yes those things were what grown-ups do and we did them successfully.  But they are nothing compared to battling cancer, fertility games and then baby.  I feel like the last two years of our marriage have both flown by and crawled at a snails pace all at the same time.  Is that even possible? Who knows, but that's how it feels.  I am so thrilled to be celebrating this anniversary with my sweet husband this year.  While we likely will not do much of anything different than our normal night at home (considering we have a bambino that still isn't happy with his eating situation) and we aren't getting one another some big elaborate gift, it will surely be the best anniversary yet.  We have more to celebrate this year than any other.  We have survived more than many couples do over the lifetime of their marriage and we did it mostly with smiles and hugs for one another.  I was thinking yesterday how lucky I am to have a husband and father for my little boy.  I am not sure how single moms do it when they have a little one.  His support and encouragement are often the only way I get through a day.  Here's to Larry and here's to us.  Happy Anniversary to us.  Seven years is nothing to shake a stick at, that's for sure.  Larry, you aren't itching are you?

~m.

Everything is alright.

I know you will all be blown away at me posting twice (that's right, TWICE!) in one day, but folks, today has been one of those days. I was just sitting in the nursery enjoying the fading light that is dusk rocking my sweet baby and listening to the sounds of my home. I heard Larry cooking up some of the wonderful goodness he so graciously prepares for us on a regular basis. I heard my puppies walking around the house going from kitchen doorway to kitchen doorway hoping Larry would drop something and they could sneak in and grab a taste. I heard James Taylor singing a wonderful cover of Up on the Roof. I heard my sweet angel boy breathing the breathes of one who has felt icky and finally has fallen asleep and feels better. I heard my soul saying that all is right with the world. Today I have been able to make the toughest decision (see previous post) in my life and for once I know it was the right one. I feel better. I feel calmer. I feel right. And I also feel love. Sitting in that nursery that was built/decorated/designed by the hands of many wonderful, loving, amazingly supportive people in anticipation of the arrival of a miracle baby, I was overcome with the feelings of love. Again I am engulfed with the knowledge of how incredibly lucky I am. Love. All you need is love. The Beatles knew exactly what they were singing about.

thanks for listening again.
~m.

Decisions, decisions...

So if any of you have read my "about me" section you know that I am not so great with making decisions.  I tend to waiver, waffle, go back and forth, weigh the options, make a list and check it seventeen thousand times.  It really is a painful process to watch (and experience of course).  Painful because after all that I often doubt the decision I finally made.  Is it the right one? Am I sure it is best?  I tell you all of this because I have been in the process of making the most difficult decision yet.  I thought that deciding to harvest my eggs before chemo was tough.  I thought choosing whether or not to move to Utah when I was 21 was tough.  I could go on and on about all these things I was unsure of in my past but none compares to this.  So far, in my lengthy 6 weeks of parenthood, I have realized that every decision I will make pertaining to this beautiful little boy who recently entered my life will be painstaking and I will be riddled with self-doubt.  I am used to that feeling - the self-doubt deal- but now it is even worse!  I have known for years that I am the essence of a Libra (as a general rule I follow this stuff only when it suits me or has some interesting insight that I like) in that we are the scales.  We weigh everything.  We try to make the best decision for all involved and often forget about ourselves in that process.  That is what I am facing these days.  I feel incredibly selfish for thinking of myself.  Oh the libra guilt.  What a pain in the arse that is.

So what is this big decision you ask?  Nursing.  Breast-feeding.  Giving my baby all the best. "Mother and baby need to be together early and often to establish a satisfying relationship..." (says the leading source of breast-feeding information-La Leche League).  E

verywhere a new mom turns there is stuff about how breast-feeding is the only and best way to feed one's baby.  Certainly there are support systems everywhere and support groups and lactation consultants and phone numbers and books and on and on and on and that is all fine and well and good, but.  But, then there are days when you are sitting at home alone feeding a baby and he is fussing and unhappy and crying with his super-cute-but-pouty-and-breaking-your-heart-bottom-lip sticking out and you just cry and cry and cry.  And you ask yourself over and over is this really the best?  Sure I guess there are more people I could call and more books I could read and meetings I could attend to see how to fix it and make feeding less traumatic for both of us but then, then I talk to Jess and she says the wisest thing she has ever told me (and Jess has told me some wise things in our 16 years of friendship).  What did she say, you ask? Well, she said "sometimes what is best for baby is what is best for Momma".  I thought about this for several days and it rings so true.  Is it really best for anyone involved (babies, husbands, co-workers, bosses, partners, friends) to continue doing something that seems painful and stressful for all involved?  Absolutely breast-feeding is great for baby and provides him the best protection against illness and allows for incredible bonding for Mom and Baby.  I won't argue that for a second, but how does one weigh that against sanity? Confidence against self-doubt? Lack of sleep against confusion and frustration?  Well friends I can tell you that I weighed it and I decided that Jess was right.  Sometimes what is best for baby is what is best for Momma.  And what is best for this Momma is to wean this baby.  Crying over nursing my baby is just not worth it.  He's had the 6 weeks that they (who, exactly?) say are so critical and it was a long road.  The bonding was incredible and I will miss that intimate and close time that nursing brings.  Being the sole provider of nutrition for a baby is both a daunting and amazingly humbling experience.  I will treasure for the rest of my life how incredible it is/was to be able to quiet your baby just by picking him up because he knows I have what he needs and wants.  Just the smell of me was/is calming and soothing and that is a feeling like no other.  Can I really give that up? Can I really think we can have that same relationship when there is a bottle involved? I am going to have to.  Griffin actually helped me make this exceedingly difficult decision last night after hours of tears and turmoil.  I was feeding him a bottle that I'd pumped (since I can't seem to fill him up only nursing him I was pumping so I could see how much he was actually getting) and he looked up at me with those big, bright, beautiful, blue eyes and smiled.  He smiled while milk was flowing from his mouth and then tightened his grip on my finger.  It was in that moment that I realized that breast, bottle, sippy cup or spoon, I will always he his Momma and how he gets his food will never change that.

The following came from an email from my yoga instructor (whom I have not seen in ages but hope to see very soon!) from her weekly reading.  At the end of each session during shavasana, which is that last asana, or pose that we do, there is always a reading to end our practice.  I received this email from Maxine who does not ordinarily email her readings but said she had a special request for this one.  How interesting that is applies so well to what I am blogging about here today.  Not directly related but it is about decisions none the less and I wanted to share it with you.  I truly believe that we decide how each day will go for us.  We can chose a good day or a bad day all by how we look at the what is in front of us.  I try to remind myself of that on those really crummy days.  So, friends, here are my parting words to you today.  From Maxine (maybe you can each come and join us for a class sometime soon, it truly is wonderful and I have missed it so!):

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,

I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.

In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a situation is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized.  

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.  

If we treat people as they ought to be, 

we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

I wish you all luck in making any decisions you have to make.  Be it kind of pizza or life changing.

until next time,

~m.

Sleepy time

Ok I realize this is going to throw everyone for a loop that I have posted TWICE in one week, but I have had some time (I also took a long hot bath in my jacuzzi tub and painted both my toes and my fingernails!!) so I decided to post again.  Not so long ago I took some photos of my little bug sleeping cuz he just looks so dad-gum peaceful.  Then a few days later he was fighting sleep as hard as he could one mornin and his wonderful Dad scooped him up so I could grab some cereal and pump a little before he had to head to work.  He had a full belly and had hardly slept the night before so I figured he was sleepy but I wasn't able to make it happen.  Larry grabbed him up and they sat next to me on the couch.  The next thing I knew they were both snoozing peacefully awaiting the cutest picture on the face of the planet to be taken.  The entire time I was pregnant I just could not wait to snap a picture of a little teeny tiny baby sleeping on his Daddy's chest.  And here I had my first opportunity!  I intend to snap these whenever the chance arises but wanted to go ahead and share this one with you.  Don't you wish we could all still curl up on the chest of someone we know loves us more than anything in the world? Boy, I sure do.

3am thoughts

So there I was sitting in the nursery feeding my incredibly, always, hungry baby boy and had some thoughts. First I thought about how amazing it is to be a Mom. I thought about how I have a different perspective on love now and I feel like I likely never really knew what it was before he came into my(our) life. Thinking of him sparks a feeling like I never knew existed and just seeing his little face is the most wonderful thing there is. It also makes me realize I have a new kind of love for my own Mom. Maybe it's because I have now experienced the same no-matter-what kind of love that she has for myself and Will. Or maybe its because I now know how much she worries and hurts for us. Either way I love my Momma more than I did before, if that is even possible. Weird? Who knows. But I was also thinking during this late night nursing extravaganza about all the other things I love and was inspired by Juju's lists that she writes. So I am here writing my own list. One comprising a few of the things I love:

1. Griffin's pitiful little cry when he is really sleepy. It hurts and elates all at that same time.
2. The crinkles around Larry's eyes when he smiles a really genuine smile.
3. Seeing my Momma.
4. Watching my brother with his nephew and his fiance. Both bring out this amazing peacefulness on his face.
5. The Beach. Any beach at any season during any weather. The smell and the wind make me feel calm, at peace and at home.
6. Chocolate.
7. Seeing my friends and laughing.
8. A really good, yummy, robust red wine.
9. Some cheesy, spicy mexican goodness wrapped in any sort of tortilla with a margarita on the side.
10. Getting a hair cut by someone whose chair you can sit in and say "make me beautiful" and always leave feeling that way.
11. Curling up on the couch with a blanket on a rainy day and watching a movie with Lar.
12. Watching my dogs lay in the grass basking in the sun. What a life!
13. Hearing Griffin's teeny, tiny whimper when he is just finished eating and drifting to sleep.

While I am sure I could drag this list on for ages, I have a little one who is done and ready for some sleep. So...more on all this mushy-gushy love stuff later. You can't wait, can you? :)

~m.

Motherhood

Well, I have had a few days now of just hanging out with the Griffster. He and I have been sleeping late (we have a few breaks in between these late morning rises) and just staring at each other. He is opening his eyes more each day and even though he really can't see me yet, I feel like he is looking at me. That, my dear friends, is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Seeing those big blue (?) eyes staring at me is indescribable. We've been staying in the bed and napping and eating (both of us since my appetite is insatiable these days!) and loving life. Tuesday I didn't even get out of my pajamas all day and it was wonderful. It was the first day since little man came home that we didn't have guests all day long. Now, I don't want that to sound like we weren't enjoying all of our guests, as we did immensely, but it was so nice to have nothing to do. I finally feel like I am nearly caught up on my rest and recovered from labor. I am getting a teeny bit of cabin fever though but I think that's because I know I can't drive and am stuck waiting for someone to take us some place. Really though I am not sure I am ready to take him anyplace! He still seems to small and fragile and its so damn cold outside! Mom and I are going out and about tomorrow though and I am really excited about that. We plan to go and get me fitted properly for a nursing bra (sorry fella's but here's where I tell the story and that's a big part of this story) and then to Target to get some gifts for Luna and Stella's party. It will be a big day for us tomorrow and I sure hope he doesn't get too tired. We may even stop and get some lunch out! In a restaurant! In public! I am not sure if I will remember how to behave in public!! Ok, so that's silly, but it feels like I have not been in public in forever. I hope I can remember how to put on make-up and fix my hair. Alright, enough of my silliness.

So more about Griff: Larry and I are getting used to his cries and being able to tell what they mean most times, even though we haven't figured out how to fix some of them. He has the cutest little faces that he makes and while he hates having his diaper changed, it is freezing after all, when we are all finished and he is dressed again he looks all around the room with those big eyes wide open and his lips are pursed together. My heart melts instantly and I can't stop looking at him. Yesterday I gave him a little bath (sponged him off really) and left him naked on the towel in the heated bathroom for a minute and he loved it! He hasn't had much time to be a naked baby as our house won't seem to stay as toasty as we'd like and I really think he enjoyed it. He and I sat in there (while I was sweating bullets on the poor kid from the heat mind you) and he was as happy as a clam. I think we will do that each day so he can enjoy some naked baby time. I enjoyed it too as he is the cutest little thing in the world. His little bum is adorable and he has the skinniest little legs and arms. And his feet are just like his Daddy's right down to his big toe. Again, I have gone goo-goo over this baby boy o'mine. Being a Mom is already the coolest thing I have ever done. And watching Larry be a Dad is even cooler. Hearing him talk to Griffin when he is feeding him or changing his diaper brings me near tears every time. He is already the world's best Dad. And I can't wait to continue telling you all about our family. Hope you keep reading!

Love,

~m.

Wowsers!

Well baby has arrived! And boy is it crazy. Labor and delivery went over without any great hitches - they say farily textbook. Whatever in the world that means. I had my water break - heard that doesnt happen for everyone - had time to shower and then made it to the hospital still having minimal contractions. They gave me pitocin to get things rolling and a mere 11 hours and 45 minutes after that water happening, little man was born. He came out squalling like a little banshee before they even started sucking all that fluid out of his lungs. He was the most beautiful color already and as soon as they cleaned him up (a little bit anyway) and Larry cut the chord (wish I hadn't been to exhausted and overwhelmed to witness that!) they put him on my chest and he instantly quieted. That was the first of many absolutely amazing experiences I have already had in the last 5 days. He is the most incredible thing and has already produced the most incredible worry I could ever imainge!!! The first night home, I slept with the lights on so I could peak into his craddle (which is so close to my bed you could nary fit a sheet of paper between us) and make sure that he hadn't rolled into the side and suffocated himself! By night three at home I have turned off the lights and actually slept on my other side some of the night! Please excuse all the exclamation points, but folks, this stuff is big time and silly little periods just aren't gonna cut it for this blog post.

Anyway, I came here to tell you that he arrived and is healthy, eating like a horse and has already stolen mine and his Daddies hearts and left us awestruck like we could never have imagined. I also wanted to send you the link to his webpage! Yep, you read that right, he has his OWN web site. His Uncle J made it for him and his Daddy already has it up and running. It's http://griffinreaves.com/ and I have a link on the left, with my other favs, so you can keep up with the little cutie pie yourself. Not sure how often I will get here to post in the next few weeks (or years for that matter, as I here those all belong to a little boy named Griffin now) but I will do my best. Come say hi and check out Griff's page when you can!

Til later,
~m.