VACATION!!

Well its summer time and beach, here we come! We usually don't head to the beach until July when we head down with the family. I have been making that same trip for my entire life and the last 26 years to the same house. In the beginning my entire family was there, but we have grown so much we have to split the trip up with two weeks and only some of us go. One of these days (when someone wins the lottery or my brother becomes a rich doctor - which ever happens first) we (or he) will buy a house large enough for all 29 of us to come. That would be something, I tell ya. A house full of crazy's. Whew.

Anyway, this vacation is with Ju and Steven, our favorite people from down Charleston way. They have rented an amazing house in Clearwater Florida (a place I have never visited!!) and invited the three of us down. Now, I have watched my cousins, aunts, Mom and other peoples pack for beach trips with kids. I have noted they carried enough stuff to sustain them for what I thought was surely a month (it was a week or less) and sniggered. Well snigger I should not have. I have been packing for days and still don't have it all. Trying to make sure I will take everything little man needs is not an easy task. (Don't ask about our first trip out of town with him - the only thing I remembered to pack for myself was underwear. Had to get a new toothbrush when we got there!). The worst part is, the house has almost everything one could need for a baby excepting the baby himself. I'm talkin the swings, monitors, boppy's, bumbo's, excersaucers (I am not making up any of those things, btw - they are all necessary baby items, just ask Larry). Our car will still be filled to the brim with all make and model of baby entertainment.

So now that we have him all packed and ready to go (and hopefully will remember at least bathing suits and toothbrushes for ourselves) we will begin the 8 hour journey (if we are lucky) to get there. Mind you, Griffin's longest car trip has been to and from Seneca, SC which is about 5 hours total. He slept most of the way there (it was nap time) and all the way home (it was waaay past bedtime). The trip we are about to take will span across all of those except bed time. Man, I am sooooooo hoping he does not decide to scream bloody murder the entire way there. If he does, Ju and Steven may be babysitting when we arrive while we bury our heads in the sand. Ok, teasing about that last part. Sort of.

Anyway, I will be back sometime in the near future to update you all on how this road trip goes. We have toys, a DVD player with tons of Baby Einstein's and some They Might be Giants in the hopes that we can keep him occupied.  We. Shall. See.  Wish us luck!

Here's a lil pic of the cowboy himself.  Ain't he cute?

rainy day copy-cat

Well I'm off today and it's raining and Griff is sleeping so I am stealing Judi's quiz and doing it here.  I am bored and refusing to do the 4 loads of laundry that have piled up or unload the dishwasher and reload it or go clean the bathrooms.  So instead I am doing this quiz.  Yay for doing nothing!

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? we're lazy so they stay open.

Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? definitely! I love them?

Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? In. Must be in. And must be neatly in.

Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Not alone but with friends. Is there a statute of limitations on that?

Do you like to use post-it notes?  Sure, as long as they stay sticky.  

Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Clip'em. Rarely remember to use'em.

Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Well I am deathly allergic to bees so guess either way I'm screwed. Maybe the bees would be less scary but more drawn out?

Do you have freckles? Only those kind you get from getting sun burned.

Do you always smile for pictures? Yes.

What is your biggest pet peeve? Gosh, I have so many!  Rudeness.

Do you ever count your steps when you walk? No.

Have you ever peed in the woods? Many times.

What about pooped in the woods? Yup.

Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? Totally.

Do you chew your pens and pencils? I catch myself every now and then.

How many people have you slept with this week? Three (Mom and Griff count, right?)

What size is your bed? KING. LOVE my bed. (ditto Judi!)

What is your Song of the week? It's been "you are my sunshine" ever since Griffin was born.  I NEED A NEW SONG!

Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Sure.

Do you still watch cartoons? No, but I guess I will soon start!

Whats your least favorite movie? Any of those dumb movies.  Maybe it's Strange Wilderness? The worst of the worst!

Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Why would I share that?? (I am with you on this thought Judi)

What do you drink with dinner? Usually water.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Nothing. I like'em plain.

What is your favorite food? Mexican!

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde (all of them), Breakfast Club, The Jerk.

Last person you kissed/kissed you? Griffin

Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Nope.

Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Not any more.

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? A letter? Gosh, ages.

Can you change the oil on a car? Probably could figure it out.  I've helped before.

Ever gotten a speeding ticket? When I was 16.

Ran out of gas? no

Favorite kind of sandwich?  A panini with turkey, brie, avocado and tomatoes.

Best thing to eat for breakfast? Hmmm, tie between huevos rancheros and eggs in a basket.

What is your usual bedtime? Sleep time? 10ish?

Are you lazy? Less so since bambino arrived, but yes.

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Dorothy from Wizard of Oz

What is your Chinese astrological sign? Horse?

How many languages can you speak? Two

Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Reader's Digest.

Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Legos! (definitely!)

Are you stubborn? Ridiculously so.

Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Letterman

Ever watch soap operas? Not in years.

Afraid of heights? Nope.

Sing in the car? Always.

Dance in the shower? When I am awake enough, yes.

Dance in the car? Sometimes.

Ever used a gun? Once with my Dad when I was 12ish.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I guess Easter, if Larry counts as a photographer.

Do you think musicals are cheesy? Usually, but I like them anyway.

Is Christmas stressful? No, it's the best.

Ever eat a pierogi? Yummm,  yes!

Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple is the only kind I like.

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Professional Roller Skater, News Anchor (possibly just anyone on TV) and Teacher.

Do you believe in ghosts?  yep.

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Quite often.

Take a vitamin daily? Sometimes.

Wear slippers? Almost always.

Wear a bath robe? Usually only on two occasions: in the mountains and when G is screaming and I have to jump out of the shower with shampoo in my hair!

What do you wear to bed? T-shirt.

First concert? NKOTB baby.

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target all the way.

Nike or Adidas? New balance?

Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos! Both!

Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts.

Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? NO?

Ever take dance lessons? When I was a little girl and I stunk! 

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Umm, I'm married, so no?

Can you curl your tongue? Yep.

Ever won a spelling bee? I don't think so, I have always been a terrible speller.

Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Without a doubt.

Own any record albums? Quite a few.

Own a record player? I think it's around here somewhere.

Regularly burn incense? No.

Ever been in love? Right now!

Who would you like to see in concert? Gosh, where should I start; Coldplay, Patty Griffin Neil Diamond...

What was the last concert you saw? Bruce Spingsteen.

Hot tea or cold tea? Depends on my mood.

Sugar or snickerdoodles? Snickerdoodles.

Can you swim well? Not really.

Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Just finally mastered it this summer!

Are you patient? Sadly I am incredibly IMpatient.

DJ or band, at a wedding? Definitely the band.

Ever won a contest? When I was in highschool I won FISH tickets in a drawing, does that count?

Ever have plastic surgery? No

Which are better black or green olives? Green.

Can you knit or crochet? Both.

Best room for a fireplace?l Cozy den.

Do you want to get married? Already am.

Who was your HS crush? Lar - we've been dating since then!

Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Larry would probably say sometimes.

Do you have kids? A baby boy.

What's your favorite color? Blue.

Do you miss anyone right now? Not at this moment.

Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX? Nope, don't do the reality shows.

Well, that was fun! Thanks for sharing Ju!

~m.

It's been a long time (relatively speaking) since I have thought about my chemo treatments. Really thought about them, anyway. Watching Grey's Anatomy tonight sent me back there. Certainly there were so many aspects of it all that were incredibly difficcult and painful but one more so than the rest by far. Losing my hair. Watching the end of the show tonight when Izzy started to tug at her hair and cry I had this rush of emotion come over me. I began to cry and continued to cry. I was flooded by the memory of the day when Larry shaved my head. Not the fun day with all my friends when we did mohawks and buzzed it, but the sad emotional day when he took it all off. It was just the two of us and I cried for hours I think. It was the most difficult day of my entire life and it was just hair! Watching again tonight as Alex removed her scarf and told her she was beautiful was gut wrentching. Is it completely bizarre that TV can do this to us? I have no idea, but it did. It's made me think again about how wonderful my family and friends were during that time and it's made me remember how hard that all was. I sent out the warmest thoughts I could send to all the people who are facing the same thing right now.  I am now more than one year with my new hair and nearly two years in remission (this November!) and a Mom. How amazing is that!?

~m.

back to work

Today marks the end of my first week back to work. I woke up bright and early on Monday (cause Griffin rarely sleeps past 7:30 anyway) and got myself showered, dressed and fed. I was on my way out the door, had kissed my baby and my hubby and was feeling pretty good about it all. I closed the front door with coffee and work bag (recently cleaned out and filled with the neccessities) and realized I had forgotten my sunglasses. Opened the door and there they were. Hubby holding screaming baby, both still in their jammies. I quickly got that overwhelming sensation of being about to hurl your breakfast all over the place. Ever had that feeling? Well it lasted nearly all day and that is never a pleasant thing! I kissed baby and hubby again and hurled (myself, not my breakfast) back out the front door as quick as I could before I was forced (by the universe) to call my boss and quit my job to never leave my baby again. Once I got into the car and reached my first appointment of that day, I was starting to feel a bit better. As I mentioned earlier, the nausea didn't lift until later that afternoon, but as the morning wore on I started to feel like I was getting my groove back. So I know I'm not Stella and I ain't lookin for a man, but it was feeling good to use my brain again! After staff meeting I even patted myself on the back since I was still able to hold a conversation in sign language (I was sure I had lost that entirely). After I finally talked to Larry at roughly 12:47 (notice that exact time - I will explain that in a moment) I was able to relax a little and actually get some paper work done. I then called Angie (babysitter and Mom of the Year, ok maybe century) I was really doing better. 

So to expound now on that time above: Larry was taking G to meet Angie for the exchange Monday am for the first time and I was insanely nervous about that. I thought that every possible thing would go wrong including G screaming his bloody head off the entire way to Angie's (not a short drive) and her calling to say "Thanks for the first and last day of babysitting - I don't need the extra cash this bad" to which I would then have to call my boss and quit my job. Noticing a trend here? Well, Angie didn't call to say that and Larry reported that the exchange went well. Larry's report only came after I CALLED HIM TO ASK! Why is that in all caps you ask? Well it's that way because I remember asking him like 264 times to call me after the exchange for a full and detailed report and he doesn't call!!! Here is our conversation (12:47).

me: "well??!!?"
him: "well, what?"
me: (getting frantic now) "how did it go?!?!?"
him: "how did what go?"
me: (crazy now) Jeeeeeez Larry, how did the exchange goooooo!?!?!"
him: "oh, that. It went fine. he was great. didnt cry at all."
me: (to myself - I COULD JUST CHOKE YOU NOW!) "oh thankgoodnessiwassoworriedandhavefeltlikethrowingupalldayandcouldnoteatlunchortalktoanyone!"
him: "oh sorry didnt realize you were that worried. It was all good darling".

Were he not so sweet and wonderful I would have crawled through the phone and choked him. Ok, so the technology also is still not ready for that one, but I would have sure tried.

Alright so that sums of the first day. The rest of the week went pretty well. G cries a lot on the way home from Angie's but not too bad. I am sure he will just have to get used to that daily drive. Angie told me he does pretty well on the way to her house and if he starts to get upset then they just sing to him! How sweet is that!? Man, family babysitters are sure the way to go. It makes going back to work a whooooole lot easier.

Well, I did realize one thing this week. I am a better Mommy when I work. I missed my baby desperately and when I saw him it nearly made me cry. But I need that time to use my brain, and interact, and breathe. I have waivered on whether or not that makes me a terrible Momma or selfish or any other list of awful things and I have concluded that it doesn't. It makes me human. It makes me smart for knowing what I need so that I can give my baby what he needs. Goes back to that advice Jess gave me a few weeks ago: sometimes what is best for baby is what is best for Mommy. This is another one of those situations, I believe. It probably also helps that I get to stay at home with him three mornings a week so it really only feels like I am working part time anyway.   That said, I am ready for the second week of work to begin.  I like working, I like my job and for that I am grateful.  So til next time (or when I have my next nervous breakdown and come here to vent my frustrations)...

as always, thanks for listening.

~m.

Looking back...

Tomorrow Larry and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary.  I cannot believe it has been 7 years already.  I remember when I met him. It was, I think, sometime in 1993.  He was sitting on top of one of those blue mail drop box things in 5 points with dredlocks (or a white boys early attempts at the same) and a green shirt.  He was swinging his feet and smiling.  I was with a friend who knew him so she stopped to say hello.  I remember him just looking at me and then saying "you look like a model".  It was a few years before we started dating but he certainly had me intrigued and feeling quite flattered.  When we finally did begin to date it was several years of on again off again.  I was a fickle young thing (not just with boys) and when he didn't behave how I envisioned I would dump him cold heartedly.  However, it never lasted very long as we always seemed to run into one another at random parties or shows and were drawn to each other.  We would end up sitting and talking for hours and inevitably we would begin dating again.  The road that led us to our marriage was long and adventure filled.  We both did some much needed growing up during those years.  I knew that.  Yet, yesterday when Larry was helping me get myself together after a day filled with tears over a baby who always seems to be in pain, he reminded me of something.  He reminded me of all we've been through the last two years and all the craziness we have survived. Together.  If I thought we'd done some growing up during our dating years, it was nothing compared to the last two.  If I thought we had made big strides in getting married and buying our first house, I was mistaken.  Yes those things were what grown-ups do and we did them successfully.  But they are nothing compared to battling cancer, fertility games and then baby.  I feel like the last two years of our marriage have both flown by and crawled at a snails pace all at the same time.  Is that even possible? Who knows, but that's how it feels.  I am so thrilled to be celebrating this anniversary with my sweet husband this year.  While we likely will not do much of anything different than our normal night at home (considering we have a bambino that still isn't happy with his eating situation) and we aren't getting one another some big elaborate gift, it will surely be the best anniversary yet.  We have more to celebrate this year than any other.  We have survived more than many couples do over the lifetime of their marriage and we did it mostly with smiles and hugs for one another.  I was thinking yesterday how lucky I am to have a husband and father for my little boy.  I am not sure how single moms do it when they have a little one.  His support and encouragement are often the only way I get through a day.  Here's to Larry and here's to us.  Happy Anniversary to us.  Seven years is nothing to shake a stick at, that's for sure.  Larry, you aren't itching are you?

~m.

Everything is alright.

I know you will all be blown away at me posting twice (that's right, TWICE!) in one day, but folks, today has been one of those days. I was just sitting in the nursery enjoying the fading light that is dusk rocking my sweet baby and listening to the sounds of my home. I heard Larry cooking up some of the wonderful goodness he so graciously prepares for us on a regular basis. I heard my puppies walking around the house going from kitchen doorway to kitchen doorway hoping Larry would drop something and they could sneak in and grab a taste. I heard James Taylor singing a wonderful cover of Up on the Roof. I heard my sweet angel boy breathing the breathes of one who has felt icky and finally has fallen asleep and feels better. I heard my soul saying that all is right with the world. Today I have been able to make the toughest decision (see previous post) in my life and for once I know it was the right one. I feel better. I feel calmer. I feel right. And I also feel love. Sitting in that nursery that was built/decorated/designed by the hands of many wonderful, loving, amazingly supportive people in anticipation of the arrival of a miracle baby, I was overcome with the feelings of love. Again I am engulfed with the knowledge of how incredibly lucky I am. Love. All you need is love. The Beatles knew exactly what they were singing about.

thanks for listening again.
~m.

Decisions, decisions...

So if any of you have read my "about me" section you know that I am not so great with making decisions.  I tend to waiver, waffle, go back and forth, weigh the options, make a list and check it seventeen thousand times.  It really is a painful process to watch (and experience of course).  Painful because after all that I often doubt the decision I finally made.  Is it the right one? Am I sure it is best?  I tell you all of this because I have been in the process of making the most difficult decision yet.  I thought that deciding to harvest my eggs before chemo was tough.  I thought choosing whether or not to move to Utah when I was 21 was tough.  I could go on and on about all these things I was unsure of in my past but none compares to this.  So far, in my lengthy 6 weeks of parenthood, I have realized that every decision I will make pertaining to this beautiful little boy who recently entered my life will be painstaking and I will be riddled with self-doubt.  I am used to that feeling - the self-doubt deal- but now it is even worse!  I have known for years that I am the essence of a Libra (as a general rule I follow this stuff only when it suits me or has some interesting insight that I like) in that we are the scales.  We weigh everything.  We try to make the best decision for all involved and often forget about ourselves in that process.  That is what I am facing these days.  I feel incredibly selfish for thinking of myself.  Oh the libra guilt.  What a pain in the arse that is.

So what is this big decision you ask?  Nursing.  Breast-feeding.  Giving my baby all the best. "Mother and baby need to be together early and often to establish a satisfying relationship..." (says the leading source of breast-feeding information-La Leche League).  E

verywhere a new mom turns there is stuff about how breast-feeding is the only and best way to feed one's baby.  Certainly there are support systems everywhere and support groups and lactation consultants and phone numbers and books and on and on and on and that is all fine and well and good, but.  But, then there are days when you are sitting at home alone feeding a baby and he is fussing and unhappy and crying with his super-cute-but-pouty-and-breaking-your-heart-bottom-lip sticking out and you just cry and cry and cry.  And you ask yourself over and over is this really the best?  Sure I guess there are more people I could call and more books I could read and meetings I could attend to see how to fix it and make feeding less traumatic for both of us but then, then I talk to Jess and she says the wisest thing she has ever told me (and Jess has told me some wise things in our 16 years of friendship).  What did she say, you ask? Well, she said "sometimes what is best for baby is what is best for Momma".  I thought about this for several days and it rings so true.  Is it really best for anyone involved (babies, husbands, co-workers, bosses, partners, friends) to continue doing something that seems painful and stressful for all involved?  Absolutely breast-feeding is great for baby and provides him the best protection against illness and allows for incredible bonding for Mom and Baby.  I won't argue that for a second, but how does one weigh that against sanity? Confidence against self-doubt? Lack of sleep against confusion and frustration?  Well friends I can tell you that I weighed it and I decided that Jess was right.  Sometimes what is best for baby is what is best for Momma.  And what is best for this Momma is to wean this baby.  Crying over nursing my baby is just not worth it.  He's had the 6 weeks that they (who, exactly?) say are so critical and it was a long road.  The bonding was incredible and I will miss that intimate and close time that nursing brings.  Being the sole provider of nutrition for a baby is both a daunting and amazingly humbling experience.  I will treasure for the rest of my life how incredible it is/was to be able to quiet your baby just by picking him up because he knows I have what he needs and wants.  Just the smell of me was/is calming and soothing and that is a feeling like no other.  Can I really give that up? Can I really think we can have that same relationship when there is a bottle involved? I am going to have to.  Griffin actually helped me make this exceedingly difficult decision last night after hours of tears and turmoil.  I was feeding him a bottle that I'd pumped (since I can't seem to fill him up only nursing him I was pumping so I could see how much he was actually getting) and he looked up at me with those big, bright, beautiful, blue eyes and smiled.  He smiled while milk was flowing from his mouth and then tightened his grip on my finger.  It was in that moment that I realized that breast, bottle, sippy cup or spoon, I will always he his Momma and how he gets his food will never change that.

The following came from an email from my yoga instructor (whom I have not seen in ages but hope to see very soon!) from her weekly reading.  At the end of each session during shavasana, which is that last asana, or pose that we do, there is always a reading to end our practice.  I received this email from Maxine who does not ordinarily email her readings but said she had a special request for this one.  How interesting that is applies so well to what I am blogging about here today.  Not directly related but it is about decisions none the less and I wanted to share it with you.  I truly believe that we decide how each day will go for us.  We can chose a good day or a bad day all by how we look at the what is in front of us.  I try to remind myself of that on those really crummy days.  So, friends, here are my parting words to you today.  From Maxine (maybe you can each come and join us for a class sometime soon, it truly is wonderful and I have missed it so!):

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,

I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.

In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a situation is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized.  

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.  

If we treat people as they ought to be, 

we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

I wish you all luck in making any decisions you have to make.  Be it kind of pizza or life changing.

until next time,

~m.