dagnabbit

I really want to bake! I mean bake well. Bake super deliciously yummy things that make people call me up and say, "Mary, can you please make some of those cookies for my sister's brother's baby shower? You know those super yummy delicious one's you made that time back then??"

I keep practicing.

So far, I have mastered nothing.

I thought that I'd gotten banana bread down pretty well. I was making some mini muffins for G about once a week since he won't eat fruit any other way except for applesauce. Understand I said thought, that was until last week when I made some muffins and they are weird! Hard, tough, gooey on top. Just not yummy. What is up!?!

Tonight I made these

and, well, I don't know. I was just disappointed. They are ok. But not the oowy, gooey deliciousness (are we noticing a trend here with that word?) that I was expecting and waiting for. And mind you, I think this has everything to do with the baker and not the recipe or Browneyedbaker and her delicious recipes.

I think I over cooked them, which is probably a habit in my kitchen. I often forget to set a timer. I also get sidetracked and then rush back into the kitchen knocking over anything in my way to hurl open the oven door with a "shit, I burned it again" and wrinkled nose.

Perhaps some of those reasons above are why I tend not to get the final result that I am wanting when baking. I have made these improvements recently, however.

1- reading the recipe before begining.

2 - RE-reading the recipe just to be sure I actually paid attention.

3 - using the ingedients the recipe actually calls for instead of what I happen to have on hand that "could do".

4 - following the recipe.

Those four, small concessions have really made a world of difference. I have managed to make a few yummy things in the past few months. However, I really need one of these to make baked goods that come out like the recipe.

Don't you think?

Instead of this which I am currently using?

Right?? Hint, hint. :-)

Ok, gonna go eat some of those cookies now and see what a big glass of milk does to my attitude about them.

Night.

~m.

Well?

So I have done it again. I haven't blogged in ages. And wanna know what motivated me to post? I looked at my blog and saw that horrible background!?! Why didn't any of you harass me until I changed it?? Well no thanks to you, I changed it anyway. Thanks for tolerating it this long?

A few random thoughts for this Thursday evening:

My legs hurt. This whole training-for-a-half-marathon thing is hard work. I did 5 miles on Tuesday and could only pump out 4 today. I am sitting with ice on my knee as I write. But hey, it was 99 friggin degress today! For cryin out loud!

Griffin has just begun to get nutty. If I thought he was nutty before, I was wrong. Dead wrong. He is climbing onto everything that looks remotely dangerous and trying to make it move. The back of the couch, the stroller that lives in the corner of the dining room, chairs, you name it....

I cannot believe it's June. Already. Where did the first half of the year go??

I need to win the lottery. Perhaps I should buy a ticket?

I am thankful for my wonderful hubby everyday. He is the jam. He is tolerating me working late, meeting the team for running and still makes us dinner and opens my wine and brings me booboo beans for my knee and well... I could keep that list going for a day and a half. Or maybe longer. Maybe that's a good idea for a Father's day post - 100 Reasons Why I Love My Husband? I'd better start on that yesterday. Anyone got any other ideas??? :-)

I'm attempting to watch this new show called "The Good Guys" on dvr. It looked so stinkin funny but is ridiculous and it has this horrible gun shot sound after each scene change. I should just turn off the dvr and change the channel, but I'm blogging here people!!

I love little sayings people come up with instead of cursing. They make me laugh. Cheeseandrice! Shutthefrontdoor! Hotdangit! Ok so that list was really lame, but they do really make me laugh. I wish I could remember to use them instead of the real deal. It's so trashy and a horrible example to set for my little man. I am just sure his first word (Read REAL word) will be something that makes my Mother blush. Sorry Tutu. We're working on our trash mouths.

Ok, that was enough nonsense for one evening. Gonna change this stupid friggin show and maybe read a book. Oh and Ju - you are right- this book is really not a good one. Who wrote this, for reals?? It is, just, well, weird. I dunno.

Anyway, my loyal readers (all three of you) thanks for stopping by and reading my nonsense. Love ya lots. (A little high school cheese for you)

~m.

Whew!

All is good in the hood. Thanks for the thoughts, prayers and concern.

~m.

Because I don't have the guts to say it to her face

Tomorrow is scan day. Man I hate those days. Barium milkshake for breakfast is really the least of the problem. Read on to learn more..

Flash back to two weeks ago: I realized that my scan was falling on the morning of a meeting I really wanted to attend. So I made a simple call to my Oncologists office to see about postponing the appointmen

t to a later time. I didn't want

to change the day really, at least not by more than a week, because it takes a lot of mental preparation to get ready for this day. So I called and spoke with Sherry whom I have spoken with a number of times.

She is always pleasant in person. Not always so much on the phone, but whatevs.

So Sherry answers with all the usual pleasantries and niceties that are involved and I am my usual syrupy, sweet Southern girl that tends to get me what I need in telephone conversations.

I start in with "Well Hey Sherry! Are you enjoying all this wonderful weather? I bet you already have such a great tan, you always do!" Blah and blah and so forth.

Well after I get to the meat of my reason for calling, Sherry replies with "Now you know how much we love changing around appointments over here..."

I stopped short for a second, but picked up again with the syrupy sweet, need-to-get-my-way and agreed apologetically. Long story condensed into some chicken noodle soup for ya, I didn't move the appointment, was gonna be next month and....it's still tomorrow.

Flash forward to present: it's the day before my scan and all the worries and doubts and dread and nausea and tears have set in. I do the usual thinking, while bathing Griffin and rocking him to sleep - of, will I get news tomorrow that I am full of poisonous cells again and he won't know me when he's 6? I know that is crazy dramatic, but people...that's just honest.

Ok I've pulled myself together enough now to tell you the reason I'm so pissed. I've been replaying that conversation over and over again today. Except here's how it goes in my messed up little head:

Sherry: "You know how we just love changing around appointments over here..."

Me: "Well you just know how much I love coming up there every six months to find out if I've got cancer again..." Take that stanky ho.

Well - of course that isn't how it went down. And since my time machine is broken and Griffin dropped the knobblefidgetabgeldkin tool down the toilet, it ain't getting fixed anytime soon (crying makes me silly).

So I've been laying in bed trying to get some sleep and just can't. I want to walk in there tomorrow and say to Sherry some poetic diatribe along these lines:

Sherry, when we spoke last week you really were unkind. I realize that your day to say job here is demanding and non-stop with Doctors and Patients and Families all demanding that you Do This and Know This and Fix That. I realize that it's not an easy job and if most often goes unthanked. I recall that you have made my life easier on a number of occasions by picking up that handset and calling some other Scheduler across the land and getting me all squared away for test number 267 and that helped me so much.

But consider this - everyday many of us walk through those doors having no idea what we will hear from those White Coats behind you. For me it has just about been enough time for me to forget the fear and dread and nausea and tears that go along with these visits. Yet it hasn't been quite enough time and yet here I am again. Waiting. Drinking milkshakes. Getting blood drawn. Looking at weird black and white pictures of my insides that Rorschach would truly have a ball with.

And all I asked was that we TRY and change the time.

Maybe it was my birthday the next day. Or my anniversary. Or my little boy's first trip to the zoo - and I hadn't realized when I'd scheduled this terribleawfulscan. Maybe I don't want to feel this way before I take him to the zoo. Or the night of my birthday party. Or anniversary dinner. Maybe, just maybe, I don't want to dread hearing "The News" on THIS day. And I think that is important for you to consider. WE are coming to get news that will ultimately change our lives - regardless of their kind.

Maybe I will cherish the ride home with the windows down because I have, again, escaped the claws of the Terrible-C Monster. Or maybe...well I am choosing not to think of the other maybe. I've just cleaned up the tears off the keyboard, after all.

Anyway, I know that I will never say any of those things tomorrow. Or any other day for that matter. I will walk in and be all sweet and show a strong face for Sherry and Isha and Ms. Hattie. Because that's what you do. But I will sob the whole way there, cuz that's what I do. At least I remember to ask someone to go with me this time.

Well, I guess I should try and sleep now. Maybe I will feel a little better knowing I got that off of my chest and at least said it to someone.

Maybe Sherry visits blogspot....?

I'm just going to leave you with this one last thing that I learned from this whole experience. I am going to try very hard to put myself in others shoes a little more often. I certainly don't always know why someone is asking something of me, but maybe I don't need to know the reason, maybe I just need to do. Maybe, just maybe, that's the point.

~m.

Pajamma's

I have no clue why the title of this blog is pajamma's except that maybe I really want to go put mine on? However, I'm much too lazy for that. Instead, I'll blog!! I've really got no ideas to blog about this wonderfully, breezy Saturday evening, so it'll just be randomness. Can ya dig it?

I've just finished reading the first two book is Stieg Larson's "The girl.." books. They are awesome!! I am drooling to get my hands on the third, but it's not being released here in the states 'til May 25th! Thank goodness Ju has a pal across the pond who was kind enough to send her their version and she's a swell gal and is going to let me borrow it! Now I've just got to be patient until she's done....

My kid is the cutest kid. He is now doing summersaults on the bed and then bursting into hysterical belly-giggles. That's the stuff that makes all the sleepless nights, temper-tantrums and scream-filled car rides all worth it. Little knucklehead.

My Grandpa rocks. Check out this story about him. Griff and I went to my Moms to hang out with The Bopster today. He is not feeling so hot and it makes me really sad. But he still can eat up some silver bells. That's fo sho.

I really love having friends over for dinner. Especially when I don't have to do the cooking. I am one spoiled little lady, for all those of you who didn't already know that. Larry cooked up some yumtastic (that word goes out to my homey Patrick) grub. Jerk chicken, firecracker shrimp, grilled asparagus and couscous. YUMMMMMMMM!

I think I need my gallbladder taken out. I am serious. To all of you who are shaking your head and mocking my hypochondriacal nature right now, hush up. You'll all feel bad when I'm right and then you'll have to bring me homemade chicken noodle soup.

Larry dropped-in the deep end of the pool. He's really stoked. Jeff was threatening to tell on him. That part makes me laugh. I am really stoked, too. That's pretty rad stuff.

Ever since I had Griffin, anything and everything makes me cry. I had it bad before, but good grief! This is getting ridiculous.

I am now going to get those pajammas, friends. Good night all and as always, thanks for reading!

~m.

Try, try and try again.

I recently met up with two old friends from high school. One lives in New York and has a little wild man near about G's age (actually only about two weeks younger)! We chatted briefly about Mom stuff and baby stuff and then we talked about our blogs. Except I didn't have much to say except that I am the slackest blogger that possibly blogs. (Does that even make any sense?) Anyhoo, so Amber and I shared blog addresses and other high-tech ways to contact one another and I then proceeded to make a (sort-of) promise. While I didn't say "I promise", I did say "I will" update my blog every Sunday so we can stay in contact. Now I am really bad with time, but I am fairly sure I have let SEVERAL weeks go by without even one new Sunday post. On my or Griffin's blog.

How slack is that!?

I am now going to try really hard to do this. I mean, every Sunday. How hard is that? I can take 20 minutes to post a little something or a little picture or a funny quip of the day, right?

I sho is gonna try.

And for today I thought I would take a minute to relay something that is making me nuts: these crappy allergies! Man, I cannot breathe or stop sneezing! And poor little man has some red rimmed eyes himself. He seems to have inherited more than just Momma's allergies.

That leads me to another thing (geeez, I'd forgotten how easy this whole blogging thing is!)! G-man is finally saying Momma! It is the best sound in the whole entire world. He says it mostly after he gives me those sweet little kisses of his. That's his other new thing: holding Momma's cheeks and smooching away. Man, that is just the best thing ever!

Til next Sunday (and don't hold me to that to strictly, ok?)

~m.

A Great Day

Today was one of those days that makes your heart swell.

Have you had one of those days? Where you smile inside and out? At just about anything?

Well that was today. We went to Holly Hill, where my Grandparents live. It was my Grandfather's "Boppy" birthday this past Tuesday and almost the entire family drove down, over and up today to help him do some yard work. Boppy used to have the most beautiful yard. It is still quite nice but he began losing his sight about 10 years ago and he hasn't been able to work in the yard like he's used to for a number of years. We gathered this morning with our shovels and rakes, edgers and mowers, trimmers and gloves and went to work. And man did we work hard. All day. And when he got home Lar and I walked him around the house and described all the things we'd done and where all the pine straw was piled and which shrubs we'd trimmed or left. It was a wonderful thing to be with my family and to be doing something that was so appreciated.

As I worked around in the yard that day, I had little memories that came back to me here and there and my heart just swelled with love for my family.

I remember swinging as high as I could on the old, now rusted swing set with Boppy pushing my lightly as I screamed "higher Boppy, higher!!".

I remembered getting paid a nickel for picking up pine cones during the fall months. A nickel! (And just so you know, Boppy can't see much but he can tell if there are any dadgum pine cones in the yard!).

I remembered Boppy always asking us if we "wanted to go behind the woodshed" when we were acting up. I never had to go back there and I was sure afraid of what was back there. Even today, as I was loading garden tools back into that old shed I had a twinge of fear for what was behind it. It sits open in the yard and looks back onto the neighbors Camilias and Azaleas but I still won't wander back there.

After we all got cleaned up we went out for the world's best Barbeque (Anthony Bourdain agrees so it must be true). Riding there I was sitting in the back and Griffin was flirting with his Momma like the sweet little Angel he is. He loves Eskimo Kisses these days and he was smiling and giggling and melting my heart with each slight curl of his lips and little brush of his nose. I sometimes can't believe how much I love him.

It's the most amazing thing to love someone that much. And I am so grateful for him every day.

So grateful for every day that he makes my heart swell and my mind fill the sweetness of love. I am grateful for family and giving a great gift to someone who is always appreciative no matter what you are giving.

Love you Boppy and love you family. All of you.

~m.